


Live for me among the stars in the sky

by Tsukanoma



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depressing, Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Major Illness, Since I can't seem to write happy stories, True Love, Why Did I Write This?, here you go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:47:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24552613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsukanoma/pseuds/Tsukanoma
Summary: "You know how people say that when you die, you see your life flash before your eyes? I feel like when my time comes, all I'll see is you."Tsukishima Kei, who has finally started to see a future in volleyball, suddenly gets that future violently ripped from his grasp in a single diagnosis. Go figure.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	Live for me among the stars in the sky

**Author's Note:**

> This started out as a fluffy one-shot idea of Tsukki pretending to sleep so he could hear Yams sing but then I gave Tsukki a tumor and I'm so sorry.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you've been fighting for it all your life,  
> You've been working every day and night,  
> That's how a superhero learns to fly.

**Stage One.** _(Denial)_

“Diagnosis”

* * *

_Can you lie next to her_

_And confess your love, your love_

_As well as your folly?_

_And can you kneel before the king?_

_And say I’m clean, I’m clean_

* * *

_It’s just a club._ That’s what he spat at himself in the bathroom mirror when he first saw his brother in the stands. _It’s just a club._ That’s what he told Yamaguchi when training in Tokyo. _It’s just a club._ That’s what he muttered in their grand moment of victory against Shiratorizawa through his undeniable grin, not meaning a word. _It’s just a club._ He whispered hoarsely through the tears he’ll never admit to shedding when the third years graduated, lying through his teeth. _It’s just a club._ He smirked to piss off an opponent at nationals their second year. _It’s just a club._ Those are the words he threw away, beaming when his best friend inherited the captain position from Ennoshita. _It’s just a club._ They were the words that didn’t even cross his mind as the whole Karasuno team roared and embraced, mixing tears and sweat celebrating their victory at nationals. Yamaguchi’s entire being was glowing. When his eyes found Tsukishima’s they lit up like miniature suns.

“Kei!” 

The whole stadium froze, Kei’s vision swimming through slow motion. Tsukishima couldn’t hold it in as he pulled Tadashi impossibly close and kissed him on center court. Their team’s cheers grew impossibly louder and it was as if the roars around them died out leaving behind just the two of them. Kei held Tadashi pressed against his body, he felt Yamaguchi’s lips smile against his own. Tears still flowing down both their faces and spirits high.

Just one block. Just one point of twenty-five. Just a club. Just one kiss.

_And that’s the one moment you’ll really get hooked on volleyball_. Bokuto’s face flashed across his mind, his manic grin and steadfast determination. How absolutely sure he was about himself and how simultaneously foolish.

It hadn’t been just one moment in particular that made Kei fall for Tadashi. It was a series of them, slowly chipping away and blocking each and every spike until tearing open a fissure within his heart and years had passed with those feelings lying in wait. The only way to close that yawning ravine was to close the difference between their lips. It was as close to “true love's kiss” he would ever be able to give Tadashi.

_It’s not just a club._

* * *

_Tell me now, where was my fault_

_In loving you with my whole heart?_

* * *

Graduation was bittersweet. The farewells exchanged among classmates after exams, graduation ceremonies, and various student organized celebrations didn’t feel at all final until Tsukishima found himself standing one last time on the court he called home the past three years alongside the teammates he’d been through hell and back with. No crowds, no cheers, just tears and snot from the Karasuno Volleyball Club and their managers. 

Hinata and Yachi were first to go. They honestly hadn’t stopped crying since the graduation ceremony, still clutching their certificates in tearful solidarity. Yamaguchi was quick to follow suit, Tsukishima supplying him with as many tissues as he could conjure from the leftover stock in his pockets (there wasn’t much, his brother had soaked through nearly everything).

Eventually, Kageyama’s lower lip trembled before giving way to a rush of emotion and once that happened, it was over. Tsukishima might have been the last to go but the dam burst and he wept the hardest. Somehow, even though he knew he was continuing with volleyball in university, it was overwhelming to think back on the years of honest to god character development that helped him transition from an indifferent player only in the game to have and excuse to fuck with others and do something to fill the time in his schedule all the way up to now. A fucking volleyball idiot himself who had fallen hopelessly in love with his sport. 

And with his captain. 

This time it was Yamaguchi who pulled him in by the collar of his shirt for a teary kiss spiked with significance. The perfect cocktail of emotions fitting the end of an era. While they had immediately acted upon reciprocated feelings, this exchange of their lips tasted bittersweet. It was just the two of them once again on center court, but in a completely different setting. Them plus the twenty-two other members of their national championship team. 

“I’m so proud of you, Tadashi.” Tsukishima somehow managed to choke out. “You brought us all the way up to the world stage. You lead this team to victory.”

True to his character, Yamaguchi blubbered out something about how it was a team effort, he was just the captain. They all carried Karasuno’s reputation on their backs, the school name embossed above all their breast pockets.

“I’m not talking about anyone else right now, Captain.” Tsukishima smiled. “Only you, I’m so proud of how far you’ve come.” 

The moment was ruined by Hinata draping himself over Yamaguchi’s shoulders with a wail that sounded vaguely like “Captain, thank you.” and the rest of the team followed suit, dog piling together. Kei didn’t mind for once being into the center, dripping with team spirit.

There weren’t enough “we’ll miss you”s and “good luck next year”s to go around. But of course this was back when Kei believed he had all the time in the world to express it. The mood was so disgustingly blissful in this one moment, Kei felt like he was floating way above cloud nine. Not even the trademarked roars from Kageyama and Hinata trying to start a match were able to tick him off.

Tsukishima grasped Yamaguchi’s hand. “In one year’s time.” He spoke with confidence, “Let’s all reunite right here. You guys better take nationals again even without us.” As a third year now, the words didn’t seem so foreign coming from him. He was met with a chorus of ‘of course, senpai!” and “just wait and see”s. 

Oh, how ignorance was bliss indeed. 

* * *

_It’s just a club._ Is what Tsukishima gritted out to the EMT as he was rolled out of college practice on a stretcher. _It’s just a club._ He reassured his family sitting by his bedside as he was preparing for surgery and not their big match. _It’s just a club._ Is what he told the doctor’s as they tried to make lighthearted conversation over the pulsing sounds of the fMRI that assaulted his ears even through his earplugs. _It’s just a club._ He told his coach who visited him in the hospital with an overly lavish gift basket and tickets to their next game upon his release. _It’s just a club._ Is what he would probably tell himself from the stands once again if he was even able to be in attendance of a match he should have been starting in. 

* * *

_Oh tell me now, where was my fault?_

_In loving you with my whole heart._

* * *

Tsukishima's not too sure if he maybe wasn’t fully conscious post operation, if he had some crazy anterograde amnesia or if he just expunged the entire series of procedures taken from his brain altogether. Regardless, he didn’t have any recollection of what happened between collapsing and waking up a couple days after surgery, monitors beeping. There were only moments he was progressively patching together into a semi-complete timeline and it came back to him. 

His head had been spinning with such an intensity it made the past months of caffeine overdoses feel like skipping through a field of roses. Next was hitting the floor, his eyes rolling back into his head. Then came the panic in his setter’s voice and his coach shouting his name. Someone calling the ambulance followed soon after and the last thing he could clearly recall was being jostled around in what felt like slow motion and slipping juuuust beneath the surface tension of consciousness. Assumingly the ambulance reached him and they made it to the hospital but he wouldn’t be surprised if doctors told him they had thrown his limp body down a hill to roll to the station and took the subway. 

Everything hurt. 

Based on his charts he knows the craniotomy took around five hours and that was more than enough time for his parents to be called and summoned to Tokyo. They had already arrived and taken care of his insurance by the time he was wheeled out of the room, still under. 

Supposedly he had opened his eyes a handful of times and muttered a few things before slipping back under but his levels remained stable enough. His parents held each other in tears and his brother didn’t let go of his grip on Kei’s leg for hours. 

Kei’s mother told him that he didn’t let go of her hand once it was offered to him and how scared she had been that the monitors would start beeping irregularly. She had brought him food but the nurses told her that he wouldn’t be able to eat anything for at least several more hours. Instead she had monitored the various tubes passing in and out of his body. She said when he was “awake” (whatever that entailed) he barely responded. Like everything said to him was like a buzzing in his ear. As if he wasn’t really registering what happened and chose to sleep instead.

Kei’s father told him that he had never been so worried that his son wouldn't wake up in his life. Tsukishima, who normally tossed and turned in bed, slept like a stone. If it weren’t for wires and electrodes monitoring his respiration and occasional brushes of consciousness he would have been convinced that his son was actually dead.

Both parents had rather disconcerting things to share with him once the fog in his mind lifted and everyone filled him in on what had transpired the couple days post operation. Of course he didn’t remember any of this but it all followed along the same lines. He looked like he almost died which was practically the truth so it all made sense. Akiteru had said something a little different though. 

Apparently (in his sleep) he had hoarsely called out for Tadashi. 

* * *

When Tsukishima awoke with enough sense and awareness to actually register the memory of it, he was greeted with his brother’s face. His head was pounding so much it spun and he winced even from just scooting slightly up the bed into a sitting position. 

“Kei!” Akiteru helped prop him up slowly, pillows at the ready.

Kei’s throat was thick from disuse and he feebly reached out from the paper cup of water beside his bed. Akiteru rang for the nurses and their parents while monitoring Kei’s careful sips. Halfway through the glass, Kei was gifted with a moment of relief and a clear breath of air without the assistance of an apparatus before the peace was cut into by his older brother.

“Dad called him you know.” Akiteru told him nonchalantly, as if picking up a previous conversation that was dropped before like nothing happened. Kei, of course, had no clear recollection of this.

“Called who?” He croaked out around the glass pressed to his mouth.

“Tadashi-kun.”

Tsukishima’s stomach drops. He would have choked on his drink if his throat wasn’t so simultaneously dry and swollen enough to actually swallow more than a couple drops at a time. Still he coughed. Oh god, no. He hadn’t had a chance to even decide how he was supposed to break the news of his hospitalization to his boyfriend. They were supposed to live a long, happy, and _healthy_ life together. A craniotomy was never considered to be within the span of possibility.

“He didn’t pick up but we left a voicemail about an hour ago. He’s probably sleeping since it is the middle of the night… Kei?” 

Akiteru would have probably continued on his tangent if not for the sudden shift to panic on his little brother’s face. The expression was one that was unfortunately all too familiar to Akiteru. He was already frantically shifting gears to calm him down. “Kei? Kei!”

The cup slipped from Kei’s grasp, water spilling all over the floor.

  
“No.” Kei gasped. He doesn’t want to be seen like this. It was as if the air of security and consistent stability which stemmed from years of emotional development fraught with conflict and culminated in a loving, trusting relationship with active communication and honest emotions all went down the drain. 

The only thing that mattered to him at that moment was that Tadashi didn’t see him in this state. 

That he didn’t get that wake up call that none of their dreams of growing to a ripe old age of one hundred together would amount to anything. That they would need to say goodbye before even moving in together after their paths diverged in university. Kei wasn’t ready to take that from him yet. He pulled at the tubes and saline drip in his arm, unwinding his bandages. Ripping the patch from his neck, setting his glasses askew. 

A desperate attempt to remove all traces of his weak physical condition from sight.

The monitors went haywire, beeping off the charts. 

“Kei!” Akiteru frantically restrained him. “Kei, calm down! It’s okay!”

“ **No.** ” He chokes out, word catching in his throat. _I don’t want to worry him right now._

Two nurses ran in just in time for his throat to clamp shut. He was taking sharp breaths in through his nose, not getting enough air.

“It’s his breathing. Check his vitals!”

“Heart rate is up.”

“I’ve seen this before, I’m pretty sure he’s having a panic attack.” Akiteru cried out to them. “Kei? Count to ten with me okay? One… two…”

_BeepBeepBeep._

An oxygen mask was pulled over his mouth and nose as Tsukishima tried desperately to control his breathing. Akiteru gripped his hand and frantically tried to calm him down, still counting up slowly. Kei had no idea what expression was painted on his face because he couldn't bring himself to meet his eyes. He didn’t want to find the commiseration oozing out. He wasn’t ready to accept this harsh reality. 

Maybe everyone else had spent the last few hours or days processing it and reaching their own conclusions but, as far as he was concerned, he had been asleep with no recollection of anything that had happened. Time had barely passed, nevermind coming to terms with the implications of his own miserable fate. 

The blood roared in his ears.

Maybe he was consumed by the overactivity and slipped under or one of the nurses replaced one of the tubes and upped his dose but regardless, the blood in his body ran cold and he knocked out, hand still firmly grasping Akiteru’s.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

* * *

His sense of time was completely skewed and his internal clock was all out of whack but for once he woke up in the morning, sunlight flitting in through the blinds. Just a bit after 8:00 no less!

Just in time for breakfast.

After his meltdown he had passed out and slept better than he had in MONTHS. To be fair, Kei _had_ been enrolled and actively maintaining his schedule at Todai just mere days ago. (It’s not like he kept his habit of sleeping much then either) But he still always felt simultaneously refreshed and emotionally drained after a good old fashioned meltdown.

His trademarked internal, sarcastic monologuing had returned to him along with some amount of energy as well. It felt a little surreal to be simultaneously calm and conscious after so long of forgetting what that feeling was like. In hindsight he should have realised something was wrong _months_ ago but after considering each and every possibility, a brain tumor was never within the sphere of being joked about, let alone considered. 

It felt like his life changed in an instant but the reality was he was just unaware of how long the fibers of his being were screaming out in pain, sending him signs. How long had it been? Since moving to tokyo? Since graduation? Since nationals? 

His family was spread across the small, private hospital suite completely unaware of his internal struggle. Dad was on his laptop using the windowsill as a makeshift desk. His mom was sitting by his bedside, hair tucked behind her ears and with a book in hand which she snapped shut after noticing him stir beneath the thin sheets. His brother was leaning down over the rolling table unpacking the food he had picked up for everyone. He turned in response to their mom’s surprised “oh!”

“Good morning, Kei.” Akiteru cheerily stated like nothing was wrong. He was now joined by their parents who looked relieved to see him much more alert. “Feeling better?”

“Kinda.” He shrugged. 

Akiteru grinned. 

“How about now?” He beamed, holding out a plate of fluffy pancakes topped with a dollop of whipped cream and sliced strawberries. “Here’s your first solid breakfast since post-op! Congrats!” 

Oh yeah, forget about the hospital and his multiple internal turmoils. Life was great. He wanted to personally thank each and every person who had contributed to bringing him to this point. Tumor be damned, these pancakes were all that mattered. In a split second his body was lurching forward towards the food, struck by a bolt of energy originating from the divine power of strawberry pancakes.

Struggling to sit up immediately his mom laughed at his legs tangled in the sheets while his dad tried to slip the overbed table over his lap before he had to watch his son spill out of his hospital bed to eat pancakes on the floor. In the meantime, Akiteru held the plate just within smelling range until Kei was able to situate himself in a more appropriate position. 

“Mom, dad. Thank you for giving birth to me. Nii-chan, give me those fucking pancakes.”

His whole family laughed and Kei’s heart wrenched at how happy that made him. It was such a good sound. It felt so good to hear.

  
“Thank you for the food.” 

They made small talk and ate around his hospital bed. Kei chimed in every so often but he mostly just listened. He had a healthy appreciation for their family dynamic. Their voices, opinions and laughter blended together smoothly. Not everyone had to speak in a discussion to be understood and, unlike Kei, they actually came off as warm people.

There was a soft pang of remorse. He would miss this atmosphere.

Kei’s cellphone chirped from the bedside table but he ignored it, choosing to let it blend into the sounds of his family chatter. He switched it to vibrate without even checking the caller ID.

Not to be misunderstood for heartlessness, Kei felt strangely numb. He was floating, void of any extreme emotions in the aftermath of his panic attack and was increasing his blood sugar with each bite shoveled into his mouth. His mind was a jacuzzi with no bubbles, still and warm.

After going down the list of every possible hospital bedside conversation topic among loved ones, Kei knew he was the person who would address the elephant in the room. He’s more than familiar with just how average his family is on every front except for maybe height. If anything, their height and natural light hair color are quite possibly the only things that set them apart from the average Japanese household.  
  


Which included finances.

Kei’s mother and father both made a comfortable living each year and kept a steady amount in their savings. Given that none of the family members needed to make any unusually large payments and avoided abnormalities in their yearly budget, they maintained a perfectly average household. 

Unfortunately, the cellular abnormalities growing in Kei’s body quite literally fit the bill for one of these kinds of situations and as much as he hated to ruin this atmosphere, he knew time was ticking. He had already taken this long to realize he had a countdown above his head, there wasn't a second to waste.

“How are we going to pay for all this.” He broke the peace with the gravity of his question weighing heavy. “I feel like it’ll be easier to figure it out now rather than discuss it down the line.”

“We don’t know the results of the biopsy yet-”

“We basically do.” Kei cuts his brother off. “It’s pretty obvious that no matter how you slice it, a brain mass is not a good sign. Just in case the high probability of me having something far worse and recurring comes true, we should have a game plan.”

His father smiled in an attempt to bush off and return to the lighthearted mood, “Don’t worry, Kei. Our insurance will cover a great amount of it. You just woke up again, this isn’t something you should be concerning yourself over right away.”

“But not all.” He deadpanned, ignoring the cues from his dad. “It’s not like having a baby, your companies won’t pay for this. I know there are co-payments. And I understand that cancer is not one and done. I want to agree on a way to pay for all the treatments without sacrificing any of your savings.”

“How do you suggest we do that?” His mom joined in.

Kei bit his lip. It was already hanging above all their heads, might as well be out with it. “I was thinking of withdrawing from school.” 

Instantly, he was met with the slew of protests to be expected. Retorts consisted of phrases such as _How could you throw your life away, don’t say that yet, you worked so hard, it won’t come to that,_ and _university is important._

“I know, I know but what’s the use of a degree I might not get to use. If I do have a time limit I don’t want to spend it doing what I’ve always done. I want to spend it with you. I want to spend it with Yamaguchi.” His voice stayed strong, “There’s no use in pouring money into a degree that I may never get to finish, let alone take advantage of.”

“Tokyo University-”

“Is just a name, dad. It’s not the one I want to die defending. The money saved for my four years education and housing should easily cover what remains of medical bills. Even my scholarship being rescinded won’t have much of an effect depending on how long I can keep this up.”

Something tugs at the controls. A few bubbles escape into his still-water jacuzzi.

“And what if your school money runs out.”

“Then **that’s** what your savings are for.”

The room fell silent. It was a tough conversation but it was one that needed to be had and not a single one of them could deny that.

“Let’s assume the worst.”

“Please, Kei.” Akiteru tried.

“Please.” He insisted. “I promise that if all is well, I’ll go back. I’ll do cram school and test back in if that’s what it takes. I’ll earn a degree and get a job with the best health benefits that’s close to home. I will make you guys proud the way I was supposed to this time around. But if it doesn’t pan out, we’ll all be glad I’m not living the rest of my days alone in Tokyo.”

Kei just wanted to go home. Home was Sendai. Home was his parents watching foreign films on the couch in their living room after dinner. Home was his brother slipping silly notes under his door well into adulthood. Home was that one old lady down the street who brought them too many persimmons every year. Home was familiar and safe, not a tiny apartment buried in a concrete jungle.

Home was Tadashi.

“Just let this be the last of our worries over this.” he pleaded. Kei knew that they understood, that had probably even discussed it already without him. 

“Kei,” came his mother’s soft voice. She sounded on the verge of tears and Kei silently cursed himself for leaning too much on the lack of emotions in the aftermath of his breakdown before and not being as sensitive as he knew he should have been. This couldn’t be easy for his family. “This is a difficult decision to make no matter how simple it seems.”

She chose her words carefully, “There’s the logic that you stand for which is undeniably true. But there is also the feeling and heart to back it up. Sometimes it’s not about writing it off as done and moving onto the next issue on the list, it’s coming to terms with it that’s difficult. All of us have to come to terms with what’s happening to you and our family at our own pace.”

The warm family buzz had stopped completely and in its place was this solemn silence. 

Kei’s eyes flicked down to his father wringing his hands. A pang of regret.

“I’m sorry. I let myself get swept away, I just don’t want this to be anymore of a problem than it already is.” 

His mom’s expression flashed with pain and concern, “Don’t be sorry, we’ll discuss more later. But we don’t want you to worry yourself over this, you already have enough on your plate right now.”

The heavy mood brought on was interrupted by an attending nurse entering the room with an empty wheelchair to check his stitches and bring him in for some clinical scans.

“Is this a good time?” she asked cheerily. 

_No._

“Yes, of course. Please take care of me.” Kei responded politely. 

The silence stuck as his dad and brother helped him out of the bed. Kei was hyperfocused on the lack of laughter. She wheeled him out, leaving his family behind to sit in the mood he ruined.

“This won’t hurt a bit, don’t worry.” The nurse reassured him in a chipper tone.

He could only chuckle at the irony.

* * *

_Missed Call_ Tadashi ٩꒰๑ ´∇`๑꒱۶

 _Missed Call_ Tadashi ٩꒰๑ ´∇`๑꒱۶

 _Missed Call_ Tadashi ٩꒰๑ ´∇`๑꒱۶

 _New LINE messages (37)_ Tadashi ٩꒰๑ ´∇`๑꒱۶ 

_Two (2) New Voicemails_

* * *

The rest of the day was a blur. Just a steady downwards spiral from his uplifting mood when he woke up. The Tsukishima family didn’t resume their little talk when he was wheeled back into his room, they just picked up the last save file and fell back into family chatter once more. This time Kei kept his mouth shut. 

Eventually he was left alone to rest. First his dad stepped out for a work call. Then his mom headed to take a shower back at the hotel they booked coming into Tokyo. Finally, Akiteru left to grab some lunch and Kei’s switch to be enjoyed when everyone was back. Animal crossing and Mario Cart made their afternoon a little lazier. The hospital staff helped them hook it all up to a television screen mounted on the wall.

Kei naps. A lot. Greedy for some quiet rest in his own bed, he had to settle for monitors and morphine drips. 

Which was maybe a little better than he deserved.

The doctors look more and more grim each time they come in. Poking and prodding away, running more tests. Explaining what samples they had already harvested from his body during surgery and from where.

“Labs will be back soon enough for a final diagnosis.” 

They didn’t tell him not to worry which somehow made it even worse. 

Tsukishima types out message after message to Yamaguchi. Thumb hovers over the send button but he deletes each one as soon as it’s written instead. He doesn’t have the words yet and even if he did… to share them over text would be an atrocity. 

_Type. Review. Delete. Type. Review. Delete._

Even the simple things like “I miss you” or “I love you” didn’t make the cut. One drip and everything would gush out uncontrollably. His freedom to express these sentiments without any looming negativity had seriously been taken for granted. 

Instead, Tsukishima elects to not check his messages. 

He can ignore the buzz of his phone, but can’t ignore that underlying buzz of radio silence from the doctors telling him to expect the worst. Mental battery was draining. Physical pain was increasing. There were not enough painkillers now that he was back on solids and transitioning to prescriptions. 

His body is foolishly trying to heal itself. Feeling hollowed out now, the numb used to be a shield and now it’s a weight. Hindrance. Just the thought of needing to wake up for dinner begins overwhelming him with dread. He doesn’t speak.

He sleeps instead.

* * *

When Akiteru returned with dinner that evening ahead of their parents, he brought with him withdrawal papers from Tokyo University. _Tsukishima Kei_ printed neatly at the head.

“We talked about it after you went for the scans. It was ill timing but you had a point.” He shrugged nonchalantly, like all they discussed was his food order. “You just need to fill these out and I’ll submit them for you tomorrow. The office closes at 17:00, I’d need to leave now to make it back in time.”

Kei carefully took his brother’s hand, frail like glass. Delicate. 

“Thank you.”

His family came and went. Kei started to feel better, the paperwork sat neatly at his bedside.

* * *

_Missed Call_ Tadashi ٩꒰๑ ´∇`๑꒱۶

 _Missed Call_ Tadashi ٩꒰๑ ´∇`๑꒱۶

_Incoming Call_ Tadashi ٩꒰๑ ´∇`๑꒱۶

“...”

“Tsukki?”

“Tsukki, are you okay? I’ve been trying to reach you all day. Uncle called me at 2am saying you’re in the hospital.”

“Kei, do you need me? Sit tight, I’m coming as soon as I can. Be there soon.”

“I’m already on my way, Kei. I’ll text Aki-ni for the address. Just get your rest.”

“I love you.”

_Call Ended._

* * *

Tsukishima didn’t even need to say anything for Yamaguchi to drop everything and rush to his side. Literally, he hadn’t even been able to compose himself enough to squeeze a single word out edgewise. The second he heard his voice, his throat had closed up and his heart was beating a tattoo on the inside of his ribs. There was more adrenaline coursing through his blood than he had experienced all day. Some divine being flipped Kei off from the heavens with a shush. 

Tadashi must have jumped on the first bullet train to Tokyo in order to reach him. “ _It’s not a big deal”_ sounded a whole lot like his “ _It’s just a club”_ mantra _._ He wanted to sob, falling back into old habits. _I’m not a big deal._ He wasn’t able to choke out any of those words on the phone. _You don’t need to come all the way here, you don’t want to see me like this._ No, that wasn’t true and he knew it. _I don’t want you to look at me like I’m dying._

_I don’t want you to know that I’ve destroyed our future together._

Tsukishima cried to an empty room, stifling his sobs as medical staff passed by in the hallway just beyond his door. The same door Tadashi burst through not even an hour later as he sprinted past the staff to be by his side. 

Not wanting to see the pain on Yamaguchi’s face, Tsukishima had been afraid to look him in the eye but once Tadashi crashed through the door, mumbling a passing apology to the outside nurse he nearly bowled over with a yelp, he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Tadashi’s expression. 

There wasn’t a single drop of hurt, worry, or pity that marred his expression, only relief and an overwhelming amount of love. As if for the whole trip up to Tokyo he had been standing at the door, white knuckling his ticket and holding his breath until this moment when he could finally let it out. Kei outstretched his arms as far as the IV would allow. He practically flew into Kei’s embrace and Tsukishima felt the mattress groan beneath their combined weight.

Yamaguchi’s interruption drowned out whatever the doctor had been reading off his clipboard. Something about a discharge date and transferring his medical records to his primary hospital in Miyagi.

“I’m here.” he breathed, peppering a trail of kisses across Kei’s cheeks and carding his fingers through his blond hair. “I’m here.”

“I thought you’d be hours!” Kei’s eyes were still swollen.

“I got on a last minute flight from KIX. You picked up when I called from Haneda.”

Fuck, he loved this man. The dam in Tsukishima’s heart threatened to overflow if he didn’t let it out. Instead, he elected to clutch Tadashi even closer to his chest, practically pulling him into the bed. It wasn’t enough, he needed Yamaguchi to completely burrow into his embrace for it to even come close to being enough. IV’s be damned. 

“Tsukishima-san.” The doctor interjected from the doorway. Apparently Yamaguchi had caused quite the stir.

It was the first time Yamaguchi saw the doctor standing there. He began apologizing profusely while Kei just ignored him, scooching into a more comfortable position settled between Yamaguchi and the mattress. Frankly, nothing else mattered.

The deafening silence of the room now gave way to the gentle lull of sleep. 

Kei held Tadashi as if to say “Hello, there you are. I’ve been waiting for you forever.” 

He isn’t really sure what happened next but Akiteru later told him that he had fallen asleep instantly before even giving consent to the doctor to release any information to Tadashi as a non-relative. He had left in a huff and Tadashi was instructed to call for him once Kei woke up or his family came back. Kei couldn’t help but laugh. 

Nothing else felt more appropriate for them than in that moment. It was so easy to fall right back into comfort with Yamaguchi by his side. Every emotion he was experiencing now felt so right, crushing every bit of anxiety and depression that he had felt building up to this moment. He had forgotten why he had torn himself apart over something so trivial. It didn't make any sense why he panicked so much and let his insecurities consume him. Now that Tadashi was here, Kei realized that for him the problem lied not in seeing him, but in not being able to have him by his side. Tadashi would be the only person on earth who would treat him exactly the same and that's what Kei sorely needed. 

What a naive fool he had been to think that denial would be better for either of them.

* * *

_Oh tell me now, where was my fault_

_In loving you with my whole heart?_

* * *

Apparently Yamaguchi hadn’t signed any release papers as an overnight guest coming in so they technically broke a few rules letting him crash on Kei’s bed. He had to leave at some point in the night to take care of that before he was forcibly removed so when Kei woke up the following morning without Tadashi’s weight pressed against him he had a moment of panic.

“Good morning, Tsukki!” 

The drapes were flung open and all Tsukishima saw was Tadashi’s megawatt smile blinding him in the light. He relaxed immediately. 

“Good morning, Tadashi.”

Yup, the world was just easier when they fell into place together. Simpler. 

* * *

Yamaguchi was uncharacteristically the only person who was able to keep his composure and not tear up everytime Tsukishima so much as breathed heavily or sighed. Instead, he was smiling. Positively glowing. 

They spent the remainder of his time before Tsukishima’s release in each other's arms, charging up after all the time spent apart. Without letting go of his embrace, he looked upon Kei with the softest expression imaginable and all he said was “It’s been so long since I saw you last!”

“Yeah.” Tsukishima shrugged, only able to give him a weak smile. “I wish the circumstances were better.”

“Don’t worry about it now and just get some rest, Tsukki. I love you. We’re all here and we’re all going to help you through it.” Yamaguchi reassured him, tracing patterns between his shoulder blades. “I’m here. I’m not leaving anytime soon.”

It sounded cliche as fuck. Straight out of a self-help pamphlet. Kei wouldn’t be surprised if Tadashi was the official poster child of The Perfect Boyfriend. 

Yamaguchi pulled him in closer and Tsukishima shifted to make room for him on the surprisingly generous hospital bed. For the first time Tsukishima was incredibly thankful for both their lanky builds because it allowed them to naturally fold into each other. Living in that grey area where neither quite knew where Yamaguchi began and Tsukishima ended. Breathing in tandem.

“I’m here.” He repeated this in a whisper with every breath until both his and Tsukishima’s heart rate slowed and lulled into a gentle sleep. 

* * *

The rest of the Tsukishimas were back in time for his bandages to be removed. They hadn’t been surprised by Tadashi’s quick arrival, if anything his mother was more thrilled that Tadashi was here than she had been when her son made it out of surgery.

“Oh Tadashi-kun, thank you for coming.” 

“Of course, Auntie! Thank you to all of you for letting me know. God knows Kei would have let himself fall apart before giving me a call.” Kei could practically hear the unspoken tsk tsk tsk. 

“Hey…” Kei pouted at his parents’ jovial reactions.

Everyone chattered and caught up on how Yamaguchi was doing, how university had been treating him, congratulating him on scoring an engineering internship, etc. Kei happily watch on, the quiet observer. Nothing made him feel better more than sharing in moments between the people he loved.

Akiteru leaned in, “Good for you, right?” he whispered.

Kei punctuated his smile with a light nod. 

When they had formally announced over dinner to their families that they were dating, their parents actually gave the most lukewarm reaction. Akiteru had been overjoyed but apparently their parents had assumed they had been together all of high school. 

“Kei-kun, it’s not like you were subtle with your feelings. We just didn’t expect our Tadashi to be so dense.” Is what Yamaguchi’s mother had said before shoveling a bite of curry into her mouth. 

It would have been hilarious had Kei not have been an absolutely horrified bundle of nerves. But now, their parents actually played quite the active role in their dating life. Sexuality wasn’t even a question. They acted exactly as any other family would react to their son bringing home his girlfriend. Tsukishima never really placed how thankful he really was for that acceptance. Certainly now when he needed Tadashi with him more than everything, he was able to easily come to his side.

Maybe his family wasn’t very average after all.

One of the residents came in through the door, “Tsukishima-san! It’s time to check your bandages! If you don’t mind the audience, your family can stay here with you.” 

Kei nodded his assent and she got started right away. His bandages came off to reveal his hairline shaved slightly back to welcome a new sliver of scarred flesh to his features. Unwinding the cloth to reveal his shaved hairline and the swollen incision site protruding from his forehead, she lightly disinfected the area and checked on his stitches. 

“You healed up really well, the swelling has gone down faster than we expected and you should be able to be released very soon. You’ll come back in about three days to remove your stitches but other than that, you’re good to go! Your biopsy results will be sent to your primary doctor in Sendai as soon as they’re in so you don’t need to stick around after for any news.” She made quick work of removing the IV from his hand with a click. 

Her fingers felt along his neck and under his throat, glancing past his adams apple to check both glands. One of his many cancer screenings had included extracting fluid from his thyroid, it was probably the most uncomfortable one to recover from but the doctors had done it while operating so he hadn’t felt the pain. 

If anything he had forgotten that there were bandages there too until she peeled away painlessly. 

She grinned, pulling a handheld mirror out from a shelf. “Want to see what you look like?”

His eyes swept over everyone else’s reactions. Mostly positive, Tadashi gave him a thumbs up. Akiteru had snapped a photo of his brother’s disheveled look. 

“Sure” he nodded and she held it up so he could see his reflection. 

“Don’t be too rough with it.”

Kei’s hairline had been shaved up by several inches and the rest of his curls had been pressed to his scalp for so many days that everything looked uneven. No hat hair could hold a candle to this look. A snort of laughter came from his eager audience. 

“You look great, Kei” his father joked. But Kei didn’t laugh, instead he fixated on the line of marred skin along the surgery site. Gently pushing a few locks of hair out of the way to get a better look, he saw the translucent stitches. Kei felt strange, he didn’t recognize his own reflection but that was undeniably him in the mirror. Receiving the visual confirmation of the undeniably true events he had experienced in the past several days was nerve wracking. 

“I’m good,” He handed the mirror back. “Thank you.”

The doctor nodded. “It can be a bit shocking at first but it's just the initial reaction. Allow yourself the space to adjust to this new look. In terms of your recovery, a few more weeks of rest are needed before you should begin to think about pushing yourself but that’s all rest you can do at home. Here,” she handed him a plain, cotton beanie and a headband. “You can wear either one out and protect your stitches in place of a bandage. Make sure whatever you wear is cleaned regularly.”

Like a mask for your forehead. 

“We’ll draw up the papers for your release and have them brought up to you in a bit but otherwise you should be good to go! Be careful, if I’m not the one to remove your stitches I wish you the best.”

It was so simple. Breezing through a simple farewell and the doctor was gone. He bowed his head and extended his gratitude for her and the rest of the staff’s hospitality and that was it. 

“So am I…” he turned to his family, “discharged?”

His father grunted, “We still need to sign some stuff and pay out but I’ll go take care of that. Your mother and brother will start cleaning out our stuff. Tadashi-kun, can you stay with him?”

“Of course.”

Everyone fell into a natural motion, running so smoothly but Kei was struggling to keep up. It felt too light. Tadashi politely waited for his parents to clear out of the room then leaned in to deposit a quick kiss on Kei’s cheek. Generally Tsukishima came off as pretty neutral (unless he was being a little shit) but Tadashi had this innate ability to detect any subtle change in his mood. Must come from growing up together. 

“Tsukki, why were you nervous? Is it about the scar?” As usually Tadashi knew exactly what was bubbling in his mind. “You’re a fool if you think any of us would take you as anything less than who you are. Stitches and all.”

Tadashi lightly pushed back his hair and slipped on the headband for him. Tousled his hair so it spilled over the white fabric ever so slightly and you couldn’t tell there was any wrong. 

“There, now you look like one of those Volleyball players obsessed with sweatbands!”

Tsukishima _giggled_ , “No please, I’m not ready to follow in Asahi-san’s footsteps.” referencing the time when Asahi-senpai had experimented with different types of ways to hold back his hair before settling on a simple, thin band.

Yamaguchi chuckled before pressing a second kiss to his forehead over the fabric along the sutures. “You’re far more beautiful, Kei.” He pulled out the mirror again and handed it to Tsukishima as if to illustrate his point.

Kei stared at himself in the mirror as Tadashi ran his fingers through his hair, evening it out. When he paused, Kei was quick to comb his curls over his forehead as best he could, covering the uneven tissue hidden beneath the strip of cloth. 

“Nah wait, you look like a kpop star about to do a skincare routine.” Tadashi chirped. 

They both laughed.

_Maybe_ , Kei thought, _it wasn’t so bad._

With help, he stood and changed out of the hospital gown and into the clean clothes his mom had brought for him days ago. 

“You ready, Tsukki?” 

Tadashi extended his hand, smiling so beautifully. There was nothing but positivity radiating from his expression. He was the single most beautiful thing in the world to Kei. Kei was so damn lucky. Maybe he hadn’t been there when Kei checked in, that was to the fault of no one but fate. Here he was now.

Kei took his hand. 

“Let’s go home.”

* * *

_Lead me to the truth and I,_

_Will follow you with my whole life._

* * *

  
  


The days passed by mercilessly. Cicadas were already screaming when he got home in June and his room flooded with humidity once he cracked a window for some fresh air. It was too damn hot to wear anything on his head so he was so damn thankful to finally be home with a working Air Conditioner. He felt substantially better. Not being in a hospital made recovery so much easier for some reason. He was thinking much more clearly now. 

A week had passed since Tsukishima moved out from his apartment in Tokyo. Which was a damn shame. He had worked hard all three years in high school to aim for a top university. Todai’s prestige was no joke, he barely passed the entrance exams and could hardly believe it when the university team scouted him. Him and not Yamaguchi. In fact, the two of them had only taken exams together at a handful of schools in Tokyo and when Tsukishima passed Todai, Yamaguchi refused to let him turn it down.

_“It’s not like we need to live together.” He had insisted, “I get to have you for the rest of our lives. I think we can survive 4 years with only breaks together. Chances are we’ll both be too busy anyway.”_

_Tsukishima only shrugged in response, Yamaguchi had a point. At the time the two of them had been lounging against each other on Yamaguchi’s bed, playing animal crossing together on Kei’s Island. His university acceptance was the furthest thing from his mind._

_“I can get a ton of internship opportunities during the longer breaks by you! Engineering is huge in Tokyo and I’m not going to keep playing volleyball so no practice.” He kissed the tip of Tsukishima’s nose, “Plus Osaka is only a few hours on the Shinkansen!”_

_“Okay, Okay, I’ll go. Just drop your fucking iron already so I can make you this ironword table!” he nudged Yamaguchi’s shoulder playfully._

_Yamaguchi laughed._

_“Ok, Tsukki!” and with that they fell back into their domestic routine. At the time, Tsukishima was looking forward to graduation when they could have this everyday for the next 70 years._

No matter what he had promised Yamaguchi and his parents about maintaining a healthy balance living alone, University soon rendered that dream unattainable. Since his orientation, he hadn’t been given a single moment to breathe between readings and volleyball practice. The amount of time he and Yamaguchi spent actually talking on video chat plummeted and when they did manage to align the gaps in their schedules to talk and catch up, they were both exhausted. More often than not the two of them would simply work in each other’s virtual company. With Yamaguchi furiously burning through problem sets and Tsukishima reading every historical literature ever published on the continent of Asia. 

Needless to say he had never been so sleep deprived in his life. In a way, the mass removed from his head wasn’t the only relief he was blessed with. His official resignation for Todai, while incredibly frustrating, did lift a weight off his shoulders. Even if he was able to miraculously make a full recovery, his scholarship wouldn’t be waiting for him if he came back the next year. It wasn’t worth holding on to false hope. 

Yamaguchi had to go back to Osaka once he had finished helping Kei pack up his things. Apparently he had dropped everything to rush to his side and therefore didn’t actually let anyone know he was gone. It took two minutes of questioning to realize Yamaguchi had missed two presentations and a lab meeting so Kei insisted on sending him right back. He only left after Kei promised to actually text and call him about his official diagnosis, no matter how bad the news was.

Which was today. 

He pulled the new beanie Yamaguchi had bought for him to replace the drab hospital one. It looked like a dinosaur had his head inside its mouth. Kei had commended him for being able to find such a headdress in an adult size. Quickly snapping a photo of himself in the hall mirror, he sent it off to Yamaguchi. 

His mom had chosen today of all days to take a morning shower. Something she never did unless she was really avoiding going out. Morning showers were usually taboo in their household. His phone dinged, a LINE notification flashed across his screen.

_You have a new message. (now)_

Fingers trapped in a passcode to unlock his phone.

**Tadashi ٩꒰๑ ´∇`๑꒱۶**

_Tsukki!! Have you left already? Stop by my place, I asked my mom to save you a slice of strawberry cake for breakfast! ꒰ღ˘‿˘ற꒱⃛_

Tsukishima smiled, that was such a Yamaguchi thing to do. He had fallen asleep on their call the night before after coming in but he knew from the time the call had actually ended Tadashi must have been up until at least four in the morning just working on his lab report and analysis. So many due dates were coming up with exams just around the corner. It was too early for him to be awake before Kei’s 09:00 appointment.

**Kei ┌( ಠ_ಠ)┘**

_God I love you._

**Kei ┌( ಠ_ಠ)┘**

_I’m leaving now that I know there’s cake waiting for me. My mom can stay in the shower for all I care._

**Tadashi ٩꒰๑ ´∇`๑꒱۶**

_She’s prolly worried about the diagnosis. Just stalling... I am too but I have nothing but positivity to send to you, Kei!_

**Kei ┌( ಠ_ಠ)┘**

_Yeah… she’s gonna dry her hair too. But being late won’t change the results._

**Kei ┌( ಠ_ಠ)┘**

_Thank you for waking up for my early appointment_

**Kei ┌( ಠ_ಠ)┘**

_But get some rest! You have a few more hours until class…_

**Tadashi ٩꒰๑ ´∇`๑꒱۶**

_5 steps ahead of you… Which is incidentally the time I slept last night!_

**Tadashi ٩꒰๑ ´∇`๑꒱۶**

_But seriously, of course I’m here for you. Call me after your appointment, I’ll ditch class if needed._

**Tadashi ٩꒰๑ ´∇`๑꒱۶**

_Eat that cake and be strong! Love you!_

Let it be known that Yamaguchi Tadashi made Tsukishima absolutely weak in the knees. 

**Kei ┌( ಠ_ಠ)┘**

_Love you too_

Tsukishima’s head snapped up when the telltale squeak of the shower facet indicated that his mother was stepping out soon. It was followed by the low humming of her hairdryer.  
  


Seriously, who needed to dry their hair in the middle of summer. She couldn’t run from her son’s death sentence no matter what routine methods she employed.

“Mom, I’m going over to the Yamaguchi’s to give my regards to Auntie! Text me when you're passing by!”

He heard a muffled “Okay!” and his heart plummeted. 

It sounded like she had been crying. _Strawberry cake could wait until later..._ he elected to slump down at the genkan instead and spend more time tying and untying his shoe laces while he waited for her.

He shot Yamaguchi a quick message. 

**Kei ┌( ಠ_ಠ)┘**

_Yama, tell Auntie I’ll swing by later. Mom’s having a tough morning…_

**Tadashi ٩꒰๑ ´∇`๑꒱۶**

_No problem Tsukki. Give her a big hug from me too ok??_

**Kei ┌( ಠ_ಠ)┘**

_O-K_

Apparently, something about a brain tumor turns a weak person strong for others. It was like unlocking new superpowers. Or at least it was going to have to because there wasn’t a chance in the world that Kei was going to let the destruction of his body also crush the hearts of the people he loved.

He waited. His mom finished blow drying her hair but he heard no further movement for a good ten minutes. So he sat in silence, barely holding his breath for her to walk out that door. When she emerged dressed and ready to leave twenty minutes later, she looked shocked to see him and Kei pretended not to notice her red eyes or the tissue clutched in her palm. Instead of taking her hand he looped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her into his side in a hug before offering up his arm.

“Let’s go.”

She nodded, silently.

  
 _Hey, mom. Are you scared?_ He wanted to reassure her, _I am too._ But he remained silent on the matter instead choking to enjoy what might be their final walk together before this appointment changed everything.

“Let’s stop at the Yamaguchi’s on the way back instead.” 

“Oh did you want to go say hi? Or did Tadashi-kun call and ask them to save you strawberry cake.” Her tear stained eyes twinkled. “I already know, Kei. I hear everything from Tadashi-kun.”

“That traitor.” He feigned an overexaggerated pout. She laughed and pulled his arm in closer to her body, chattering on about how one of the neighborhood ladies was up to her eyeballs in peaches from her tree this year. He smiled, patting her hand and looked straight ahead while letting her talk.

_Thanks, mom. For being strong for me. Sorry I almost left you behind for strawberry cake._

* * *

It was his first check up at the local hospital which (lucky for his prospects) was only a short 10 minute walk from their home. While the doctors at the Tokyo Municipal Hospital ward had been more than accommodating, his family much preferred him home with the medical staff they were familiar with and in a home he wouldn’t need to maintain. 

Grimly, Tsukishima also knew they were preparing for the inevitable possibility that a time would come when he would require a level of care that could be easiest to achieve at home. Of course no one would say it outloud but eventually he may need quick access to the Tsukishima family grave. He was mentally prepared for the worst case scenario knowing that a brain tumor was nothing to sneeze at. At the very best he’d need to be careful the rest of his life, however long that ended up being. 

As it turns out, all the “stress migraines” and frazzled nerves weren’t from the high caffeine intake paired with his new demanding university schedule. When he initially collapsed in practice he had assumed it was from over exhaustion from his class load and pushing too hard in practice to keep up but waking up in the hospital post surgery he realized it was much worse. They got the visit summary emailed to him the same day he left. This email cleared up a lot of the details he wasn’t able to register at the time.

The doctors in Tokyo had removed a 3mm mass from his cerebral cortex (and quite the hefty fee from his wallet) while also performing a series of cancer screening tests both during surgery and after. Today was the day Tsukishima would formally find out the results of the biopsies and his numerous blood tests, although it was rather obvious that the chances of a miraculous bit of news were rather slim. He was actually expecting his life to crash and burn, Kei just wished it was only him that was effected. 

A tumor was never good news, let alone one in his head. And if a neurosurgeon makes a split second judgment to grab some cell samples while he was open on a table, that couldn’t be a good sign. 

With each moment passing, the knot in Kei’s stomach wound up more and more. His nerves started to tingle in nervous anticipations. He fiddled with his cellphone, about to unlock it to shoot Yamaguchi a text.

“Tsukishima Kei?” came the voice over the PA. “Ishigawa-sensei will see you now.”

His mother frantically shot up and offered him assistance in getting out of his seat. He held back a retort and reassured her he was fine to stand alone. She was only worried and had gotten antsy since being seated in the waiting room, but he wasn’t an official invalid yet. 

“I’m fine, mom.” he reassured her, wincing when she blinked back tears. “You don’t need to carry me yet, I’m nearly two meters tall.”

Tsukishima had continued to grow through their remaining high school years. Smugly rubbing into the faces of certain (read: Hinata) members of his team. It was almost amusing to think that in just a matter of time, all his height might be folded into a wheelchair when he balance started to go. 

It made him feel sick.

“Kei…?” He was grounded by his mother tentatively placing her hand on his arm. Glowing with affection and worry. He smiled weakly. The only family member who shared his dark sense of humor was his Obachan and she had passed away three years prior. His mother was in all likelihood worrying about her little boy and fretting needlessly all night long.

He took her hand in his. 

“Let’s go, mom.” He smiled softly and they followed the nurse down the hall into the examination room. Each step slipped a little further towards panic. 

* * *

_Are we better off believing_

_What the ignorance suggests?_

_I wish living life was easy,_

_But mine has been a mess._

* * *

He was pulled into a separate room first to take some basic data. Tsukishima had never understood the english phrase “Head in the clouds” until the faces of the nurses coming in and out started blurring together. He didn’t hear their speech, just limply offered up his arm for blood tests, opened his mouth and said “aaah” when they asked, and stepped onto various scales to take his weight and height into account. 

“Just like a physical.” his nurse said, “Nothing out of the ordinary today.”

His vision felt a little blurry and his ears were too stuffed to hear anything else transpiring around him. Warbled voices fluxed in an out of the bubble he put around himself. Hands poked and prodded him and he mumbled out answers to questions he couldn’t even process being asked. It was an out of body experience. 

He was ushered into an office a few minutes later where his mom was waiting patiently for him. She had pulled out his seat for him.

Physically he was sitting in Ishigawa-sensei's office, anxiously awaiting his diagnosis. Mentally his head was far above the clouds where his mind was floating in the exosphere. When they were kids, He and Yamaguchi had sent a weather balloon up with the neighborhood association. Kei wondered if he’d be able to see it looking back towards the curvature of the earth. Somewhere down on that planet there was at least one scared little boy he could relate to. If only he had been able to send a warning to his past self waiting for that weather balloon to return. “You’re going to die.” 

If that was possible then this situation now would be far more bearable. Or maybe his body would freeze solid, with just enough mass to orbit the earth until the people on the International Space Station were given quite the fright. 

“Tsukishima-san.” Came a faint radio transmission. _Ground control to Major Kei, come in Major Kei._

Oh no, here it comes. The fears he didn’t want confirmed. The reality he wanted an escape from. Sound didn’t travel in the vast expanse of space. In this endless vacuum, he was already dead. He should just remove his earpiece and live in denial. 

Tuning back into the conversation sent him plummeting down to earth. 

He sighed, shifting in his chair. He was not floating beyond the stratosphere, he was in a tidy medical office with a sleek desk instead of a spacesuit and there was a pen and paper pad instead of a vacuum. 

“Tsukishima-san.” Ishigawa-sensei repeated himself, brow furrowed. There was a grim sympathy hidden in that concern. 

“Yes.” His hearing wasn’t static any longer, he was fully tuning in.

“Here.” The doctor slipped several images of Kei’s brain out of a folder and slid them across the table for the two of them to see. He cast them a distrustful glance. 

There it was. The ugly, clouded space with nothing at all. Resting snuggly against the front of his skull. Taking residence in his head without even paying rent. “This was the initial scan that was before the surgery. And here is the second clinical scan ordered to pinpoint a more precise location.”

This muted splotch accented against the charcoal gyri and sulci of his brain may very well be single handedly responsible for the heartbreak of his entire family. 

For some reason, he was reminded that at a certain point during his time in Tokyo, doctors stopped telling him not to worry. His still stomach knotted at the implications. 

“The mass removed from your cerebral cortex was sent in for a biopsy. As the neurosurgeons may have assured your parents at the time, it is quite common for brain tumors in adults of your age to develop in the frontal region of your brain. They were well practiced and able to successfully remove it without any further damage to your cognitive functions.”

Tsukishima snorted. “I’m sensing a ‘but’.”

Ishigawa-sensei barely faltered. He must have a lot of smartass patients. “Yes, well… We biopsied the mass removed and unfortunately it was a malignant tumor. Further testing revealed that it actually metastasized in your brain from a papillary tumor in your thyroid gland. It’s quite fortunate we were able to test this quickly, had the surgeon not acted on a hunch in the Operating Theater it might have meant sticking a needle in your neck once you were conscious again. It is very difficult for a patient alone to notice cancer in your thyroid, especially when your case in particular presents with very few symptoms, but we will need to operate again to do a partial removal of the gland. While the papillary tumor itself will offer itself up for an easy removal, the cancerous cells have already proven that they spread through your bloodstream to your brain and metastasized which leaves us with a much greater concern. To put it simply, the mass we removed from your head is only the second tumor in your body. We will continue regular screening for any more.”

Tsukishima’s ears were ringing. His whole body was numb as he turned his head to see his mother’s gasp clutched behind her hands, silent sobs pulsing through her wiry form like a heartbeat as she tried to contain the soft cries threatening to escape. He tore his gaze from her and locked eyes with the doctor.

“So what does that mean for my prospects.” The question came from the sliver of his mind that hadn’t shut down.

Ishigawa-sensei bit his lip. Obviously no amount of experience and years of diagnosing patients could make breaking the news of their impending doom any easier.  
  
“Assuming the success of your second surgery and a clean removal, I’d give you 6 months at best. The rate at which this has spread, I’d say that is 6 months **with** treatment.”

Tsukishima felt as though his entire body had been plunged into the ice. The air in his lungs had been punched out of his chest. Hot tears pricked his eyes, everything the doctor was saying was muffled once again as the ringing in his ears got louder. It was the aftermath of a shotgun and the bullet that flew through the barrel to pierce his heart was that stupid diagnosis. His body was floating in the bottom of the ocean and could only watch the outside world through a distorted filter as sea salt stung his eyes, blurring his vision. He didn’t even hear his mom begin to wail.

The dappled light that usually danced across the waves were far beyond his reach. Forget about the stars and the vast expanse of space, he was left alone with the deafening silence of the ocean floor as his mother’s sobs broke free of their prison and she screamed in absolute agony.

_Say something, damn it._ He wanted to punch himself but the metric tons of water weighed his arms down. _Tell her it’ll be fine._

It’s not like he didn’t know. It’s not like any of them didn’t see this coming from a mile away. But in a sea of self doubt and constant overthinking, hearing a well supported anxiety confirmed was a vastly more devastating experience than he could have imagined. 

Even if Kei could open his mouth, no sound would have come out. The ringing in his ears muffled his mother’s voice as she begged for any better outcome. 

The doctor simply shook his head in apology and began to explain the process of chemotherapy and radiation treatment. What to expect from not just the diagnosis but the treatment. Seizures, retrograde amnesia, dizziness and vomiting, headaches...

Kei didn’t hear a single word as he sat rigid in his seat. 

_This isn’t happening. This-_

_This_ **_couldn’t_ ** _be happening._

Oh but it was.

He knew. He had always known but to this degree? He though he'd have a few years at the worst but this was a completely different story. His blood ran cold and his throat closed up as hot tears pricked his eyes. 

The diagnosis was the news they expected, but not in the way they were hoping. Ishigawa-sensei just slapped an expiration date onto Tsukishima's head, skipped every stage of grief and moved on to acceptance. Picked right back up at "How to live with malignant tumors."

_How would he tell Tadashi._

* * *

_They say it comes with the seasons_

_But the seasons come and go, they go_

_I go blurry when I’m thinking_

_Is it me or vertigo?_

* * *

“Unfortunately, that’s not the end of it.” It was crazy how effectively those simple words could send Tsukishima’s stomach plunging through his shoes. “The clinical fMRI scans taken before you were discharged actually revealed a second tumor pressing up against your parietal lobe. Almost too small to notice right away which is why they focused on removing the more prominent tumor. Although it’s much smaller, it’s making itself known. This is probably to blame for any dizzy spells you’ve been having or may start to have and why your coordination doesn’t feel nearly as honed as it was before. It can also explain why you’ve been feeling…” He waved his hand vaguely, trailing off.

“Like shit?” Kei finished for him. 

“For lack of a better word, yes.”

“So that wasn’t the anxiety?”

“Your anxiety probably didn’t help. We’re going to prescribe you some medication and give you some additional pills to use if it’s needed.”

“Needed for what?” Tsukishima’s mom weakly butted in.

“For various possible symptoms. Like seizures.”

His mom gasped. Tsukishima should start counting her gasps.

“But we have no known history of cancer in our family.” Clutching her handbag to his chest with a vice grip but somehow still looking like she was made of glass. Kei gently rested his hand on her shoulder to find it trembling. “Isn’t this stuff genetic?”

“Cancer is an unpredictable beast. Sometimes family history doesn’t matter like in Kei’s case. But of course, all of you should be careful in the future and register it as a significant medical condition.” He gestured, “Normally people in your situation can continue regular life rather successfully to a certain degree, with treatment of course, if they stay on top of it. Unfortunately, the tumors have not only been found in your brain which is why we must be extra careful. You’ll come in for regular screenings and treatments starting with your thyroid removal. We’d like you to check in tomorrow and be prepared to stay for the week but of course take the time to discuss it with your whole family first. In this time we’ll prep you, screen, operate, and give you space to recover while being monitored by our medical staff. It’s not a serious procedure at all, especially compared to the one you’ve already undergone but we want to ensure that you get the best treatment as swiftly as possible.”

While his mother hung on every word, tears rolling silently down her cheeks, Kei’s head was already buzzing again. There was a muffled feeling to the noise in the room. Not a single word being spoken sounded like real life but he knew logically that it was all true. The discolored cicatrix across his temple that branded him with this new diagnosis was proof enough.

His body was failing him. He was dying. Kei's head went right back up to the clouds and this time, he pulled out the earpiece and turned off his comms in favor of just floating there. Maybe, if he was still enough, he would just quietly freeze in orbit and that would be it.

Tsukishima Kei, who has finally started to see a future in volleyball, his academics, and Yamaguchi suddenly gets all that violently ripped from his grasp in a single diagnosis. Go figure.

* * *

_Are we alive?_

_Or are we dreaming?_

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoy the plot! The full story rough draft is currently complete and will be 6 chapters. I'll be uploading each new chapter as I finalize them. I haven't written anything besides research papers for several years so my creative writing muscle has atrophied and I don't have a beta so I apologize for any proofreading mistakes or shitty English. I've never actually published anything creative before so I'm just having fun with it and breaking some hearts. 
> 
> This is the fanfic that bloomed from a simple idea and somehow has surpassed 25k words with just the outline.
> 
> For this chapter I kinda wanted to just post what I had so I could put more work into the future chapters as well. The English gets better! The plot... well you'll have to wait and see~ 
> 
> Song quotes used in each chapter will be made into a playlist at the end.
> 
> This chapter's songs were:  
> Superhero by The Script  
> White Blank Page by Mumford and Sons  
> Vertigo by Khalid

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!


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